I Haven't Been Able to Title My Poems Since I Met You

I remember seeing you in the hallways and wishing to only be friends with you

Never did I imagine that I'd hold you in my arms and kiss your lips and call you mine

Only to have you leave my life as quickly as you had become a part of it

And I was the one that asked you to go

On the first day of gym class the teacher called me "Sheila" instead of Sarah

And from across the room you laughed

Even though we hadn't spoken to each other all summer

And for some reason that moment triggered a feeling inside of me to talk to you

But I didn't

Later that day my friend was worried about her crush texting first

"If he texts first, that means he likes you," I assured her

And as I was waiting for the days to pass

You text me first

"Hey, do you still have my school i.d. from last year?"

"No, sorry."

I threw it out a week after we broke up. I couldn't stand having your picture on my dresser any longer.

But for some reason you didn't mind, and you continued to message me

For hours

And hours

And hours

I got few hours of sleep that night, because I had spent most of it rekindling a spark I once had with you

But I need to remind myself of how much you wanted to violate my sexuality 

Because you thought I was so beautiful

And you pleaded that couples always did that

But I didn't want to give you my body just because you asked for it

I need to remind myself that even at 3 a.m. when I was in tears from a panic attack

You did the most cliché, straight, white boy thing and asked what would happen if you were there.

I don't miss being exploited like that

I miss having someone to kiss goodbye each afternoon

And someone to hold my hand when I was feeling lonely

And someone to constantly remind me that I am loved

And as much as I miss holding you and kissing your lips and calling you mine

I don't miss the daily arguments I had with my mother because of you

I don't miss how uncomfortable I felt every time you pleaded for me to please you

I don't miss the pain that it was to love you

And now, that we've rekindled and fallen in love again

You keep making me feel worse and worse

And even before I loved you

People warned me that you were an asshole

I never wanted to believe them

But now I see that they were right

You really are a fucking asshole